


helping hand

by fallsouthwinter



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 15:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11255568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallsouthwinter/pseuds/fallsouthwinter
Summary: Cassian and Bodhi tend to notice a lot of things about one another.





	helping hand

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of this was inspired by shimaspoon's art (like, more than usual). EDITING TO ADD: This is also based a lot on my own, personal experiences with depression and anxiety.

Bodhi noticed a lot of things about Cassian. Like how Cassian would always sneak candy during long meetings when he thought no one was looking. Or whenever Cassian was frustrated he would shove his hair out of his face. When wearing gloves he always fiddled with them around the wrist, like he was afraid they would fall off. The fact that Cassian consumed an abhorrent amount of sugar in general. 

Cassian was always straightened things when he was feeling too much of something, and to that end he always overcorrected flying while stressed, which was often. Cassian really did not like small talk, either, if countless almost conversations Bodhi'd overheard were any indication ("Why are you asking me how it's going? What do you want?" "Um-") Maybe Bodhi shouldn't have laughed so hard at that, and maybe Bodhi shouldn't have made it a point to start talking to Cassian about the weather every chance he got just to see how exasperated Cassian would get, but what was done was done.

Which meant Bodhi definitely noticed that Cassian had barely been eating the past few days and wandering the base at night ever since Cassian came back from one of his missions.

"He's always like this after missions," Baze had said when Bodhi went to find him and Chirrut to talk to, Baze attempting to appear unconcerned like he always did.

"So you noticed too?" Bodhi asked. Baze merely cleared his throat and didn't reply as Chirrut practically giggled in the back.

"If you're worried then you should do something," Chirrut said.

"Like what?"

"Well, what would _you_ prefer someone to do for you in the same situation?"

"I usually prefer it when people leave me alone."

Chirrut tilted his head. "Do you really?"

Which is probably how Bodhi later found himself with a tray of food given to him by none other than Baze and directions to find the Major.

He found Cassian in one of the storage bays. That particular bay was large, not large enough to house the ships unfortunately, and due to the many openings to the outside where sunlight was slanting through, anything not volatile or easily damaged from any kind of weather was stored there. Cassian was sitting on one of the crates, haloed by the light, looking for all the world like he was sunning himself. Bodhi was somewhat loathe to disturb him, but he had barely spotted Cassian when Cassian turned to look at Bodhi.

"Oh. Hey Bo." Just from the way Cassian was saying it Bodhi could tell he still wasn't use to calling him that.

"Hey Cass." Bodhi set the tray down on the crate next to Cassian, then after a moment sat down himself. Cassian didn't move towards the tray, just watched Bodhi, who, bereft of his goggles, took to wringing and tapping his fingers. 

"What's going on?" Bodhi asked trying -and likely failing- to sound casual. Then he winced, belatedly realizing that it sounded like he was trying to make small talk.

Cassian turned to look back out into the Belkadan afternoon. "I'm just trying to- to process everything," he said quietly, much to Bodhi's surprise. "You know?" 

When Cassian looked up, almost like he was checking to see if Bodhi had accepted his answer, he met Bodhi eyes, making Bodhi think how _tired_ Cassian looked, how the sunlight really didn't do him justice, how-

Bodhi looked away, swallowing hard. "I know."

When Cassian only let out a sigh in response, Bodhi nudging the tray a little. "Here. Um, I don't know if you- well, a few of us noticed you didn't eat much at breakfast or lunch and no one was sure how you were feeling. Baze felt this was the safest bet."

Cassian pulled the cloth off the tray. It didn't have much on it, just a glass of kothtri juice, a couple of dumplings, and a bowl of thin potato rice porridge topped with some pink-orange fungi Bodhi couldn't for the life of him remember the name of. "Did Baze make all this?"

"Yeah. He cooks pretty much every chance he gets. I guess that's how he de-stresses or something. That's what he told me, anyway."

"You didn't need to do this."

"Yes I did," Bodhi replied automatically,

Cassian looked at him, seeming confused. "Why?"

_Because I was worried? Because you deserve all the happiness in the galaxy? Because I have no idea how to tell you how I feel?_

Bodhi shrugged and tapped his fingers against the crate. "I just wanted to."

Cassian was still staring at Bodhi, and Bodhi felt like if Cassian kept staring at him like that he'd be able to see into Bodhi's mind and find out all his secrets. There was that sensation again, like what he was looking at was too much for his heart to handle.

Cassian sucked in a breath and looked back down at his food and finally picking up the spoon. "Are you going to stay to make sure I eat?"

"Only if-" he attempted to take a deep breath but it only came up shallow. "If you want the company."

"I wouldn't mind the company," Cassian replied quietly.

"Okay."

\---------------------------

Cassian noticed a lot of things about Bodhi. Like how easily Bodhi seemed to be able to talk to people, talking and laughing with the people around him, practically lighting up whatever room he was in. Bodhi seemed to laugh a lot when he was with Jyn or Tonc (but it would be a while before Cassian noticed Bodhi smiled all the time when they were together). Bodhi had a tendency to fiddle with his goggles whenever the feeling struck him and, when he wasn't wearing them, would tap his fingers against the nearest solid surface. Bodhi was also a little bit more (fatalist? Was that the word?) than he would expect, if that conversation with Jyn was anything to go by ("And if not, then they kill us and we're left as nothing more than a memory of bones on a forgotten planet." "...really Bodhi?").

Bodhi would start fixing things whenever he was stressed or anxious, which was happening more and more lately, so Bodhi could be found either running diagnostics on his own x-wing or helping someone else with their ship. This would unfortunately hit critical mass while en route to their next mission, as Cassian was to find out.

"Bodhi appears to be having problems with his systems," Kaytoo said, appearing in the cockpit.

Cassian blinked at the console of the ship and turned around. "What do you mean?"

"Elevated heart rate, shortness of breath, increase of brain activity-"

"What the kriff happened?"

"We were running diagnostics on the ship's supporting systems, even after I told him there was no reason to recheck the systems as the possibility of them malfunctioning were extremely low."

"You know where he is?"

"He told me he was tired and ran away. I assume he is in his cabin."

"He ran?"

"At a speed of 5.6 mph, it was indeed running. I calculate the time of arrival to his cabin at-"

"Okay okay." Cassian pulled himself out of the pilot seat. "Take over while I find him."

"Understood."

Cassian hadn't made it past the threshold of the cockpit when Kaytoo called out to him, making Cassian stop.

"Cassian?"

"Yeah?"

"You will inform me of Bodhi's well-being when you're finished?"

Cassian smiled. "Of course I will."

After knocking on Bodhi's cabin door and hearing Bodhi's muffled "come in" Cassian slid the door open to find Bodhi curled up on his bunk, head in his hands, goggles discarded onto the floor.

"Hey- Kay told me something just happened?"

Bodhi shook his head a little. "I don't know what happened that tipped me over. I've been feeling on edge for a few days and then suddenly..." Bodhi made a vague gesture with his hand. "I don't know."

Cassian worked his jaw, thinking over what to say. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Can you-" Bodhi took a breath. "Could you stay? I mean- I- the attacks are a- I can deal with them better when- I'm not alone."

Cassian looked at Bodhi, noticing how he was trying to keep his breath even, realizing now that what looked like a lack of motion looked more like Bodhi was trying to restrain himself from moving. "Okay," Cassian said, sitting on the small cot next to Bodhi. "Is that all or-"

"Do you mind if- kriffing _hell_." Bodhi's head was back in his hands. "I don't- know how to ask this."

"Just ask. Whatever it is, it's okay, I promise."

Bodhi peered at Cassian through his hands before slowly lowering them. "Could I- hug you for a bit?"

Without letting himself think about it, Cassian opened his arms and beckoned to Bodhi. Bodhi didn't even hesitate, allowing himself to be caught up in Cassian's embrace, wrapping his arm around Cassian and practically melting into him.

"I feel like I should thank you for putting up with me," Bodhi mumbled into Cassian's neck.

Cassian wanted to ask Bodhi why he would think that. He wanted to tell Bodhi it was okay, that he was hardly just "putting up with him." What came out of his mouth instead was: "I like holding you." 

It wasn't until Bodhi jolted in surprise a second later that Cassian fully realized the implications behind his words.

"Uh-"

Cassian closed his eyes and miraculously did _not_ start beating his head into the something. "Just- try to breathe." He wasn't sure if he was saying that to Bodhi or himself.

"Okay."


End file.
